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itsjustbecca

Still Breathing.

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adulthood

Delayed.

To those who follow and read my posts, I apologize for being gone so long. Life took a moment to pick me up and shake me around, and everything has been hectic. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure I was going to come back at all. I hit a low and didn’t have the energy to even get out of bed. I won’t really be going into extreme detail, but I will explain a bit.

First and foremost, my depression whipped around and hit me with ferocity. There was no specific reason, it just came back. I had convinced myself a long time ago that I had control over it, not the other way around. It seems I was very, very wrong. If you’ve ever dealt with depression or anxiety, you know how suffocating it can be at times.

Of course, this would be the time for everything to start inexplicably falling apart, right? My employers began cutting my hours down to nothing due to a mandatory pay raise over the whole company. I was barely able to pay my rent, let alone other bills. By the end of it, I was hardly scheduled at all. I mostly just came in to “help out a bit.” As  I’ve mentioned before, the job market around here is terrible, and I was stuck between jobs for almost a month. We got behind on all our payments, and the stress level has risen to the max.

BUT.

We’re making it. I found a new job. I have to bust my ass to make up for the lost time, but I’m okay with that. To survive, you do what you have to. Above all else, we tell ourselves it will be alright, because it will eventually. Penny scraping doesn’t last forever. One day we’ll get a good night’s rest. Most importantly, our son has his whole life ahead of him. If everything we do, we do for him, and we do it as a team, then it will inevitably be alright. And that’s what really matters.

 

Copyright © 2016 itsjustbecca All Rights Reserved


 

I finally opened my email today and saw I had a bunch of messages asking me to keep writing (along with my husband also telling me to), and it gave me that boost of encouragement I needed to get back on here. So thank you guys.

Shortly before I went on my little “vacation,” I had also started up a YouTube channel. I managed to get a couple videos up before I ran into “technical difficulties” (i.e. I had to sell my camera…). I will be trying to post more, though, once I get my other camera situated. The channel will be a bit different from what I post on here. A bit less dark, mostly.

itjustbecca  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRkAuo4v6BoawiwlFkPWfng

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Deafening Silence

As a teenager, I didn’t sleep. I was too afraid to sleep. I couldn’t sit in the dark alone. I couldn’t sit in the silence of night. Some nights, I just sat in the center of my bed and rocked back and forth in a pathetic attempt to calm myself. Sometimes I would cry. Most of the time, though, I just sat, silent and rocking.

The paranoia started in my mid-teens, but the insomnia took hold of me much earlier. Around the time I was three years old, the night-terrors began. Livid and suffocating night-terrors. To coincide with this, of course, I also had a sleepwalking problem. Practically every night, I would physically act out whatever I was dreaming. Especially the night-terrors. I’d scream, run through the house, try to get out the door, and even sit and cry. I’d frighten my family and friends. Luckily for my parents (as well as my friends’ parents), I couldn’t undo a lock in my sleep.

It’s unnerving, though. I could recite the details of nearly all my worst nightmares, but I couldn’t tell you what my last pleasant dream was about. What is the psychology behind that? Or maybe the question is in the science of it. Did something in my childhood disturb me to the point of these habits being instilled in me? Or is it some sort of imbalance in my brain? I honestly couldn’t tell you. It seems like I’ve just always been this way.

I still feel this way today. Not as severely as I used to, of course, but the anxiety is still there. The fan has to be on for me to be able to fall asleep. I can’t sleep alone; my husband has to be in the bed with me. Even then, it can take me hours to fall asleep.

It makes me feel…broken. Like there’s something wrong with me. A grown woman shouldn’t be afraid of the dark.

 

Copyright © 2016 itsjustbecca All Rights Reserved

Change It.

All the time, I hear, “Well, if you’re unhappy about something, change it.” It’s not that simple though, is it?

I hate my job. And I mean, I legitimately hate it. Honestly, I can’t even tell you why because I can’t pinpoint the real issue behind the way I feel towards it. Perhaps it’s the management. Maybe it’s that I don’t feel like I’m living up to my potential, as arrogant as it may sound. Hell, it might just be because I work for a large corporate franchise retailer that almost literally sucks the life out of me every second that I’m there. I’m not really sure.

It makes no difference how much I despise my job, though. It doesn’t matter how unhappy it makes me. Picking up and leaving my job because I detest it isn’t even remotely realistic. In a small rural town with hardly any job market, I was lucky to snag the terrible job that I did, never mind trying to have a “backup” job. I have a family to feed and a roof to keep over our heads. It’s becoming more difficult with each passing day. I can’t leave, but it’s breaking me.

I feel like I’m losing myself in the mess. I’m losing faith in my ability to keep going. I shouldn’t feel nauseated at the idea of having to get up and do things during the day. Even on my days off, I’m too exhausted to feel like I’m actually getting any rest. I’m tired. I try so hard to be a solid foundation, but I’m cracking.

I’ve sunk into this pit of self-loathing and feeling of worthlessness. Like nothing I do will be good enough because I’ve lost the will to try. Honestly, my job may not even be the problem. Maybe it’s me that’s the problem.

 

Copyright © 2016 itsjustbecca All Rights Reserved

Hey

I can’t tell you what exactly I’m expecting to get out of this. A sense of release, maybe. Sharing my experiences and hoping someone gets it. To be honest, I’ve lost the connection I once had with myself. Looking back on my life just three years ago, everything has changed.

My first step as a high school graduate turned into a leap. I wanted the world, and I intended to get it. Music was all I had at the time. It fueled me. It’s all I ever dreamed about. I got a part-time job in fast food to try to fund myself, but of course, I was in way over my head. That fire died quickly when reality hit and I realized I didn’t have the money or support to get anywhere in a music career. Keeping that job wasn’t a waste, though. I met the man who a year later became my husband and the father of our beautiful son. They keep me going.

The last couple of years have sped past me in a blur of tears and unexpected “adult-life” trials.  It’s been gruesome, and it’s taken its toll on me. I can’t deny that. I’m exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Some days I feel like I can’t even stand up, let alone function properly.

Now I’m here, holding on to whatever desire I have left to be the person I was. Creative. Productive. Inspired. I want to rekindle the fire I once had in my heart.

I wanna take back my life.

 

Copyright © 2016 itsjustbecca All Rights Reserved

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