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itsjustbecca

Still Breathing.

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life

Delayed.

To those who follow and read my posts, I apologize for being gone so long. Life took a moment to pick me up and shake me around, and everything has been hectic. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure I was going to come back at all. I hit a low and didn’t have the energy to even get out of bed. I won’t really be going into extreme detail, but I will explain a bit.

First and foremost, my depression whipped around and hit me with ferocity. There was no specific reason, it just came back. I had convinced myself a long time ago that I had control over it, not the other way around. It seems I was very, very wrong. If you’ve ever dealt with depression or anxiety, you know how suffocating it can be at times.

Of course, this would be the time for everything to start inexplicably falling apart, right? My employers began cutting my hours down to nothing due to a mandatory pay raise over the whole company. I was barely able to pay my rent, let alone other bills. By the end of it, I was hardly scheduled at all. I mostly just came in to “help out a bit.” As  I’ve mentioned before, the job market around here is terrible, and I was stuck between jobs for almost a month. We got behind on all our payments, and the stress level has risen to the max.

BUT.

We’re making it. I found a new job. I have to bust my ass to make up for the lost time, but I’m okay with that. To survive, you do what you have to. Above all else, we tell ourselves it will be alright, because it will eventually. Penny scraping doesn’t last forever. One day we’ll get a good night’s rest. Most importantly, our son has his whole life ahead of him. If everything we do, we do for him, and we do it as a team, then it will inevitably be alright. And that’s what really matters.

 

Copyright © 2016 itsjustbecca All Rights Reserved


 

I finally opened my email today and saw I had a bunch of messages asking me to keep writing (along with my husband also telling me to), and it gave me that boost of encouragement I needed to get back on here. So thank you guys.

Shortly before I went on my little “vacation,” I had also started up a YouTube channel. I managed to get a couple videos up before I ran into “technical difficulties” (i.e. I had to sell my camera…). I will be trying to post more, though, once I get my other camera situated. The channel will be a bit different from what I post on here. A bit less dark, mostly.

itjustbecca  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRkAuo4v6BoawiwlFkPWfng

Fading Colors

This isn’t going to last.

Please, don’t drown yourself in the past.

Know that you’re strong.

You have to carry on.

Create yourself into something new.

This life is yours to choose.

Today is just a step.

You’re not quite there yet.

 

I’ll help pick up the pieces,

If you promise to fight through this.

Don’t give in tonight.

Get up and make it right.

You’re worth it.

 

You’re beautiful in every single way.

It will never matter what they say.

There won’t be a need to scream and shout,

Because inside and out,

You’re better than they could ever be.

And I hope one day you’ll see,

The amazing person you’ve become.

You’ll find the war’s already been won.

When you feel like you’re about to cave,

Just keep in mind that you are brave.

 

You’re beautiful in every way,

And beautiful is just how you’ll stay.

 

Copyright © 2016 itsjustbecca All Rights Reserved

Sitting at Hell’s Gate

A little flame that licked her wrist

Set ablaze the pain from within.

She’s beautiful, and she doesn’t even know it.

There’s an angel sitting inside, and she can’t even see it.

Clouded by the past,

She just wants something that’ll last.

She shouldn’t be alone tonight.

 

I sing the song of the broken,

Screaming from the soul of the damned.

I sing for the boy with a smile,

For the girl with a beautiful laugh.

I sing because they hurt,

And you don’t even know until the aftermath.

Crying out to Heaven,

With only a response from Hell.

You never noticed until the day they fell.

 

The dark night clouds clutter the depths

Of his weakening mind.

There was always one more step to climb

Before he could say he was okay.

He didn’t want to get close;

He didn’t want to take the chance.

It shouldn’t have been him to take the fall.

 

I wish you had stayed for the sunrise.

You could’ve seen that the night passed,

And the morning rains washed away

The sorrows and fears.

I wish you had stayed.

 

I sing the song of the broken,

Screaming from the soul of the damned.

I sing for the boy with a smile,

For the girl with a beautiful laugh.

I sing because they hurt,

And you don’t even know until the aftermath.

Crying out to Heaven,

With only a response from Hell.

You never noticed until the day they fell.

 

I wish you had stayed for the sunrise.

I wish you could’ve seen you through my eyes.

God, I wish you had stayed.

 

Copyright © 2016 itsjustbecca All Rights Reserved

Change It.

All the time, I hear, “Well, if you’re unhappy about something, change it.” It’s not that simple though, is it?

I hate my job. And I mean, I legitimately hate it. Honestly, I can’t even tell you why because I can’t pinpoint the real issue behind the way I feel towards it. Perhaps it’s the management. Maybe it’s that I don’t feel like I’m living up to my potential, as arrogant as it may sound. Hell, it might just be because I work for a large corporate franchise retailer that almost literally sucks the life out of me every second that I’m there. I’m not really sure.

It makes no difference how much I despise my job, though. It doesn’t matter how unhappy it makes me. Picking up and leaving my job because I detest it isn’t even remotely realistic. In a small rural town with hardly any job market, I was lucky to snag the terrible job that I did, never mind trying to have a “backup” job. I have a family to feed and a roof to keep over our heads. It’s becoming more difficult with each passing day. I can’t leave, but it’s breaking me.

I feel like I’m losing myself in the mess. I’m losing faith in my ability to keep going. I shouldn’t feel nauseated at the idea of having to get up and do things during the day. Even on my days off, I’m too exhausted to feel like I’m actually getting any rest. I’m tired. I try so hard to be a solid foundation, but I’m cracking.

I’ve sunk into this pit of self-loathing and feeling of worthlessness. Like nothing I do will be good enough because I’ve lost the will to try. Honestly, my job may not even be the problem. Maybe it’s me that’s the problem.

 

Copyright © 2016 itsjustbecca All Rights Reserved

In Loving Memory

About two and a half years ago, a good friend of my sister and I made a permanent decision in response to a short-term problem. He was an extraordinary young man who drew and extraordinarily bad deck of cards in life.

A couple of nights ago, I found a short essay I had written for school in honor of him after he left us. There are too many people who feel the same way he did.There are too many people who opt out because no one noticed.

Going Unnoticed

In Loving Memory of Dee M.

 

When a pure light goes out, the world feels its sorrow.  Dee was one of the purist, and it hurts to know he was in enough pain to rip himself from those he loved and who loved him dearly.  No one should be pushed to that point.

 

Truthfully, it’s difficult to even know where to begin in describing such a beautiful soul.  Words don’t seem sufficient enough.  Dee spent his entire life making sure he had a smile on his face in hopes of invoking a more positive attitude from everyone around him.  To those he befriended, he instantly became family.  He was lovable in practically every aspect.  He laughed when nobody else could.  He wiped your tears, even if he hardly knew you.  He risked his life to save a stranger without regret.  Dee lived to make people happy.

 

Nevertheless, it wasn’t enough.  Our society has crumbled, and the weight of the wreckage crushed him.  His life changed dramatically within a year, and he lost himself in the process.  He spiraled into nothingness.

 

Still, Dee smiled.  Because he smiled, no one noticed.  Smiles mean happiness, right?  That is the delusion our world has drowned itself in.  Society is so focused on the people who don’t speak out and make their voice known.  They focus on those with the “typical image” of a broken soul.  The ones who are truly broken go out like stars.  They smile their brightest as the pain reaches its peak, though they died long before then.  Then they disappear without a trace, and it goes unnoticed.  For that reason, the people who feel this way wind up feeling more hopeless than before.  They feel they have more reason to keep their hardships to themselves.  They try to fight their demons alone, and they fail.

To be frank, these tendencies need to change.  The clothes you wear, the music you listen to, and the activities you like—within reason—do not make you depressed or suicidal.  Many people who are viewed in this way are some of the brightest and most content people.  The true issues lie within more discreet manners.  They hide behind the eyes that have dimmed.  They hide behind the smile.

Copyright © 2016 itsjustbecca All Rights Reserved

Life With My Baby Boy

Looking around, I spy crackers crunched up and slipped under the rug, along with a trail of toy-town destruction. Toys that, mind you, I couldn’t even find before playtime. It seems as my son’s energy force grows, mine weakens. Some days I just want to rip my hair out. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Watching the personality blossom in my Baby Man starts establishing a feeling of uselessness. He’s become so independent so quickly. By five months, he slept through the night on his own; he doesn’t even have to be lulled. I almost forget how fragile and tiny he was an extremely short year ago. The first two months of nothing but tears (mostly my own). Waiting to see what color his eyes and hair were going to turn. My delicate little being that fit so perfectly into my arms is already about half my height and all of his daddy’s attitude.

Even now, Baby Man is staring at me with a toothy, chubby-cheeked grin. Calling me “Dada” because, of course, everyone is Dada. When we try to get him to say “Mama,” he corrects us.

“Will you say ‘Mama?'”

“Dada.”

“Mama mama.”

“Dada dada.”

“MAAA-MAAA.”

“DAAA-DAAA.”

He doesn’t understand what’s so funny, but he laughs with us regardless.

He makes my heart swell every time I look at him. And every time he looks back at me, I fall in love all over again. He makes every heartache, every tear, and every sore muscle worth the struggle.

Copyright © 2016 itsjustbecca All Rights Reserved

Hey

I can’t tell you what exactly I’m expecting to get out of this. A sense of release, maybe. Sharing my experiences and hoping someone gets it. To be honest, I’ve lost the connection I once had with myself. Looking back on my life just three years ago, everything has changed.

My first step as a high school graduate turned into a leap. I wanted the world, and I intended to get it. Music was all I had at the time. It fueled me. It’s all I ever dreamed about. I got a part-time job in fast food to try to fund myself, but of course, I was in way over my head. That fire died quickly when reality hit and I realized I didn’t have the money or support to get anywhere in a music career. Keeping that job wasn’t a waste, though. I met the man who a year later became my husband and the father of our beautiful son. They keep me going.

The last couple of years have sped past me in a blur of tears and unexpected “adult-life” trials.  It’s been gruesome, and it’s taken its toll on me. I can’t deny that. I’m exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Some days I feel like I can’t even stand up, let alone function properly.

Now I’m here, holding on to whatever desire I have left to be the person I was. Creative. Productive. Inspired. I want to rekindle the fire I once had in my heart.

I wanna take back my life.

 

Copyright © 2016 itsjustbecca All Rights Reserved

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